It’s been a while.
While I’ve been gone, I’ve done some things. That book I was working on? It’s done.
Only took another six months, but it’s done. One need to format it and be brave enough to send it out, but it’s done.
I finished it on Halloween of 2017 at five in the afternoon and walked out of the door and knew, immediately, that I was exhausted in a way that I haven’t been exhausted before. I never wanted to look at the page again. It had taken too much from me and there was nothing rewarding about any of it: eighteen months of my life gone, leaving pages in front of me I doubted would ever see the light of day.
I was tired. I took a break. I tried to write again, of course. The first thing I’d made was a handwritten draft of something for you here, something absolutely useless that only helped pour tar over the pothole I’d fallen into. It was December. I was still tired. Maybe this was the burn out that people have warned about before. Maybe this was a sign that I should put the pen down and walk away. Maybe none of this was ever meant to be.
The page never stopped calling but it took time for me to answer.
I wrote again. Some things were published. One thing worthy of my first check as a published author: I guess I’m a professional now, too. Maybe the burn out is over. It still took me more than seven months to start on the next book. I still have too many days where I lay my head down on the pillow and close my eyes and remind myself that I haven’t even made a word. I’m tired of those days. I want to do better.
So I don’t lack drive, or motivation.
What I lack is discipline.
And that’s what I’m here for.
I’ve neglected you more than I’ve neglected anything else. I haven’t talked to you in more than a year. And I’m sorry. You never deserved to get the worst of it. But that’s why I’m here. And why I will be here, eveet day, for the next thirty days. Maybe it will stop then. Maybe this will be difficult and everything will be as disjointed and rambling as it’s been today. Maybe it will be all too easy to write about whatever’s kicking around in my head.
I don’t know, but the idea of not knowing suddenly isn’t scary anymore.
If anything I can’t wait to find out.